Stuck in the middle.

This blog post goes out to the ones who have asked me about how to cope with the end of a serious relationship...A.K.A a serious break up. We all think the break up is the hardest part, when in reality, its walking away alone from something you've put your entire soul into. Sometimes it's mutual, and other times its not your choice. Regardless the pain is still felt. Once the agreement to sever the relationship is reached, you now have the difficult job of uncluttering the heart and the mind and untangle all the wires. It takes time straighten your thoughts, feelings and make the best choice for yourself.  In many cases when the body is inflicted with pain, it releases certain chemicals to protect itself, and some of these numb is to the pain. What the mind does following a traumatic incident can be quite similar. Your mind can go numb, shutting down and refusing to deal with the reality for some time. This will take as long as it needs to take. 

The Zone of no contact:

Sometimes our mind plays tricks on us, and we think that to ease the pain, we should stay in touch with the very person that we decided to leave (or they decided to leave us)

Sometimes people stay in contact to steer clear of truly facing the cold. They play this game that wont help them in the long run. Communication post-break up is not the best thing to do if you truly want to move on. Ladies and gentlemen, do not speak to your ex that you still have feelings for when you know 100% there is no way this relationship will work out. 

You can live in denial, however you will get stuck in a toxic cycle. And you risk your feelings not fading for this person. 

I know this is easier to be said then done, but maybe sometimes space can help you both realize what's best for you, than adding fuel to the fire. 

The feels:

The next thing we tend to do, is get mad about getting mad, get sad about getting sad, or just plain kick ourselves for feeling the feels. First let's get 1 thing straight - your feelings are not wrong. 

You feel the way you do because you're hurting and you are healing. Just like after a physical injury the body heals itself through the pain, you are getting stronger and you will get over that hurt. IF you allow yourself to. 

Confusion:

Usually people mistake the amount of pain they feel for the amount of love they held for that person or that moving on too soon would indicate that you had no love. 

Your level of pain is caused by your own reactivity. Its complex. There are so many factors that pay out in a romantic relationship that just aren't the same as platonic ones. Your history, the pains you have previously been exposed to, your childhood, your fears, unhealed traumas all can resurface during this time.

You didn't just lose your partner, you have secondary losses because of it as well. You have lost a friend, a lover, the possibility of a future you had imagined, the friends and family of your ex. The list goes on but the point is, there's far more going on than just what you are aware of. 

You have all rights to feel what you feel, but make sure you let yourself FEEL it. Don't try to shut it down and repress it. When something has been taken away, people feel angry. Anger is normal. But do not strike out in anger. That is not okay. Your anger will fade away when you start to acknowledge your value and see the positive aspects that that break up brings into your life. Maybe God has freed up your time for something so much better. You start to shed new light on everything. You start to accomplish any concrete tasks that your relationship had held you back from. 

Also, are you feeling guilty as well ? That is NORMAL. You may have been the best in the relationship or put every bits of effort into the relationship, but you'll still feel guilty because you start over thinking of things that were done and not done. Guilt often makes you think you have control where you actually don't. This is all from your inability to accept what has happened. You feel like you can go back and make it work and things can get back to normal if you do one thing. NO. This guides you to a harder path which does not help you move on. Stay away from the searching behaviour. Stop going on his/her social media profiles and checking up on them. Put your phone somewhere else and make yourself busy. Do NOT connect . The more you give into it, the harder it gets. 

OH also , you're allowed to cry, don't let anyone tell you not to waste tears on this person. These are your tears and you're allowed to let them out because it was YOUR loss and not a waste of tears on someone. Also, " There's a lot of fish in the sea".....no one can tell you to move on or they just say it cause they don't know what to say to you. Take your own pace, there's no rush and you can take as much time as you like to get over all this. Everyday is just a day closer to your happiness. 

You'll definitely get to that acceptance stage where you finally find this peace you've been searching for. You can finally sit back relax and understand that it was all not meant to be. You will finally care for yourself and start loving yourself more than anyone else in your life. You will never give discounted value and put yourself on the bottom sale racks of your life. You don't need to expect anything from others, you'll just feel worth enough to reject any less treatment then genuine respect and love. Most importantly, you'll know what you want and how to be treated. Learning is priceless. You will have these emotions constantly flying everywhere for while but as days go by things are just going to get better. It's hard and it definitely can hurt but get some sleep, pamper yourself, have a support system in your life , eat right, exercise and start finding new interests and positive people. This is all temporary. You can get through this !!!!! YOU GOT THIS !

xoxo